Perhaps love and the loss that comes with it might still seem like a source of pain that we could avoid if we were determined to. In a way we can. After a trauma around love or attachment, we often build a defense that overrides instinct (a defense that may be an instinct of its own) that keeps us from really loving anyone again. It doesn't make us very happy, but it does in its way limit future grief, even if it causes a different kind of ongoing grief.
Most people spend a lot of time in therapy or couples counseling whittling down whatever fear of loss they have that is based on the past. That could seem like a dumb idea, fostered by optimistic therapists who tout love without mentioning its cost. Why not leave the defense alone? Because the defense doesn't really work anyway. If we try to stop our love impulse, it just sneaks out and attaches itself to the most awful choices. So as with love, so with grief - almost the only thing the ego can do is "go with it," perhaps steering a little bit but not doing much more.
From August 2009: Comfort Zone ONLINE Copyright © 1999-2008 Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
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